“I just want to say somethings which have been on my mind. I feel I should explain what I need from you sometimes, because I don’t think you necessarily understand. You know if I had been physically ill, you would have asked how I was doing. I was really mentally ill when we met the other day. I was feeling like crap. I was in hell for the next few days. I don’t blame you. I know I isolate myself. I know I become distant when I am depressed. But you need to realize that my depression is an illness and I can’t always control it. I went to the doctor a week ago, I am back on medication and I will be starting therapy again. I know it’s not easy to deal with someone with depression but I don’t want you to leave me alone when I am sick. That’s when I need you the most.”
You want to be left alone yet you don’t want to be left alone.
Depression has a cruel way of making sure we distance ourselves from friends and family. With your mind working against you, choking you with negative thoughts, communication is hard. You don’t feel like talking to anyone. You’re either irritated or angry or simply non responsive. You get set off by the most trivial of things. Or you simply want to go hide in the deepest darkest hole and never see anyone anymore. So it gets impossible to reach out.
We tend to isolate ourselves, and then it’s easy to think that we are forgotten by those we thought cared for us. It hurts that someone doesn’t want to deal with us when we’re like this. The feeling of being abandoned takes over.
Lately, I’ve been feeling this about a certain person in my life. I was angry and disappointed but I love them so then I thought, wait a minute, let me see what it must be like for the other person. Of course, some of them might just not care at all. But maybe they don’t understand what we are going through, or why we are acting distant. May be we need to tell them, if they care to listen, about what’s going on.
I also feel that people are not comfortable talking to someone with mental illness because they don’t know what to say. I think that this stems from not having enough knowledge, and so it’s vital that we put out as much as we can of what’s it like for us living with a mental illness. So people who do care can understand better and help us through our struggles.
My depression is telling me “no body cares”, “they are happily ignoring you”, “they aren’t really your friends”, I will not listen to it. So I texted the above message to the person, and now I wait for a reply. I don’t know how they will react. But at least I made an effort to reach out, it took a lot to do so but I knew I had to for the sake of my relationships.