This hasn’t really ever happened before but today I feel worse after talking to my therapist. I went in feeling fine and came out with so many mixed emotions and ended up feeling shitty about myself.
Like I mentioned here , I wanted to discuss with her what I could do to feel better and a little less crappier when I am very depressed because I haven’t figured it out yet. Anyway, I made a comment about how I was in an “acceptance” phase, trying to accept my fate etc. What I did not realize was that she could see right through my fake acceptance. Because really, I have been just trying to tell myself that whatever has happened in my life has happened and I need to learn to accept it and live with it. This also includes giving up hope of certain things I want in life because clearly life is in no mood to grant those things to me. We discussed all my thought errors and how my coping abilities were below average and how I have unrealistic expectations which lead to my unhappiness. Deep sh*t. And then she made a comment about a recent relationship escapade I had. I can’t get that comment out of my head. F**k ocd! I am so angry at my therapist.
Then there was this whole episode about assertiveness. My psychiatrist had interns and as I walked in, she asked if I was comfortable with students listening in. I hesitated for a moment because I wasn’t sure. I knew I was not comfortable with them, but on the other hand, I have been an intern myself and I remembered how it used to be. So I hesitated and finally she says, be assertive, why don’t you say what you want, you would be the one to lose out if you don’t express your needs firmly. And I explain I have always been like this, and she says well then you must have suffered losses due to this in life and I say I always have.
Sorry about the rant like paragraphs.
I know what all was discussed today was related to who I am with all my faults and defects, and even though we also discussed how to work on identifying and improving these, I still somehow feel offended. It’s so hard to face our own selves, to look at our flaws laid bare, out in the open, for ourselves to see. We are hit by denial, shame, disbelief, but the truth is that deep down we know. We know who we are but we try and ignore it for as long as possible. We try to forget it, for a lifetime, if possible. If reflecting at ourselves is hard, what’s even harder is owning up to what we see. It’s one of the toughest things in the world to do.
I faced myself today, in the words uttered by my therapist. I did not like what I saw. Not that I like myself very much in general but I saw other things, things which I contended myself with believing were good. It was too much for one day, especially after the aftermath of a major depressive episode.
Today I am just angry and irritated. Today, I am filled with hatred. I don’t want to think the right things, I don’t want to do the right thing. Always trying to be nice, always trying to do the right thing is one of my *features*. I will own up to my flaws, but not today. Maybe tomorrow.