Tag: anxiety

Oh! Give me some more time I’m stuck in a vicious cycle

pexels-photo-53918Depression takes a toll on life. It costs to be depressed…and I don’t mean solely in terms of money, but in time. But don’t they say time is money. You lose out on things because depression takes time. It takes time to realize you’re suffering from this malady, it takes time to accept it, it takes time to accept you need help, it takes time to get an appointment, it takes time waiting for your turn, it takes time to find a medication that works, it takes time to go through the therapy sessions and it takes time for the medication and therapy to start working.

Sadly, in today’s fast paced life, we don’t always have that kind of time and while you  go through this process, life can pass you by. Heck, while I was waiting for my turn at the therapist’s office, my friends all got jobs, got married and had kids. And I am still here, waiting.

There is another dimension to this, on a micro level or a daily level. Everyday of depression, when you’re not getting out of bed, when you’re not feeling energetic enough to do anything, when your brain isn’t working all that well, you end up wasting time. This feeling of having wasted precious time hangs over your head, inciting the guilt. The guilt of having wasted days on end, being unproductive, makes it even harder to get up and do something. The cycle repeats itself over and over each day. As the hours and days pile on, the difficulty increases and the anxiety takes over. The anxiety makes everything ten times worse.

You get stuck in this vicious cycle and it seems impossible to get out. You start hating yourself, feeling worthless and think you’ll never achieve anything. That’s the kind of state I find myself in today. It’s freaking me out. The funny thing is, I know this feeling all too well. I’ve been through this cycle before.

I am currently on summer break and I was supposed to do so many things. I am taking a very important exam in a couple of months, an exam vital to my career and I needed to prepare for it. I am starting the third semester of my master’s program in twenty days, and I was supposed to have narrowed down a research topic. I had so many personal goals I had set my mind to. What I did end up doing? Nothing. Zero. Nada. And it’s scary. I don’t want to ruin everything again. I am so close to achieving my goals, I am afraid I’ll wreck it all.

It’s so very hard to pull yourself out of this vicious cycle. I try to force myself to work. I try and I fail. I try to distract myself from this feeling of dread in my chest.

I know the answer. I know how to get out of this roller coaster ride on repeat. It’s setting small goals. Taking baby steps. One step at a time. If only I can take the first. I know if I manage to do one thing, it’ll make me feel better and I can build on it.

I know I need to give myself time to feel better, to heal, to bounce back from this episode. I know the energy and the will to work will come back, but it will take time, oh but…..Time I don’t have.

 

 

 

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Bound to medication

I have a love hate relationship with my meds. I know there is absolutely nothing wrong in taking medication, and moreover they help tremendously. Yet, something inside me always resists against them. I was stubborn and refused to take them the very first time they were prescribed. I had this notion in my head that once you start, you get used to them and then there is no turning back. You have to take them continuously. Well, today this fear was realized.

Of course, I gave up my reluctance and eventually began taking anti-depressants. I also required anxiety medication when I got the attacks, usually at crucial moments of my life when I needed most to be calm. The palpitations were the worst of all. My heart used to be in my throat and my eardrums pounded in unison with my heartbeat. The medication pulled me through those anxious moments, and I am thankful for that.

However, “when would I be able to stop taking them” was always on the back of my mind. I hate to admit it but I felt….I guess I still feel… ashamed of the fact that I needed pills to get through situations which were normal for most people. I felt less of a person. It hurt my pride. So the instant I thought I could, I got off my medication (it was a bad idea). I know it is wrong to think like this and it’s just the social stigma at work (another thing I desperately need to address), but that’s what I thought. Up until today, I had been off my meds for about a year.

Today, I went to my psychiatrist, after a year and a half. I was feeling so defeated. The hospital I go to is located in a rather dingy place and the approach road to it is just a mess. I hated the fact that I had to drag myself and my parents to this god forsaken place again. While waiting for my turn, I could hardly contain the tears in my eyes.

I could hardly speak to the doctor, I cried silently, the words escaped me. So I pretty much didn’t inform her of the new symptoms I had. My mother was there and that was another problem. She worries too much and I can never speak about this stuff in front of her, although the symptoms show and I can’t always help it. I wished she would leave me alone for a while. I was so angry at her.

Anyway, coming back to the point. It was what the psychiatrist said that confirmed my fears. It was along the lines: ‘the medication will have to continue for a long time, or else the depression will just keep coming back’. I knew then that there was no escape and I was forever bound to medication. I will have to take it everyday for the rest of my life to lead a normal life. My heart, which is already broken by the way, crashed a little more.

How I underestimated this battle with depression. How I thought, a couple of years of therapy and medication and voilà I am cured. One bad episode, one bad break and boom…..a full blown relapse. The thing that hurts most is that life will always have problems and I can’t handle life without the Fluvoxamine running through my blood.

As I was buying the pills, which are not to mention, quite expensive, and the pharmacist asked me ‘how much do you need?’, I felt like replying ‘ Why don’t you put me down for a life time supply?’. I accepted the one month supply with a sigh. But then as I was returning home, almost in a phased out condition, I thought why not take the support of medication to ease my existence a little. Why shouldn’t I just keep taking them and do what is important in my life right now, like finish my studies and get a job, without being interrupted by depression and its effects? Why do I have to risk losing out on those things because of this stupid notion in my head?

So I took the first of many tonight. That something inside me might keep revolting, I have to learn to stop listening to it. I have to learn to be okay with it. I have to learn to accept it.  I have to learn to live, bound to medication.