Tag: hopelessness

That flicker of hope…

pexels-photoAs my mood is see-sawing between feeling absolutely pathetic to feeling like I can turn my life around from one moment to the next, I am stuck in a zone between hope and hopelessness.

Hope. They say life is nothing without hope and it is only with hope that one can live. But you see, I have a problem with hope. Hope leads to disappointment and pain. I’ve had to face this disappointment in a lot of areas in my life, multiple times. It’s like one thing after the other. I hope and I hope and nothing. I cannot seem to catch a break. That’s the reason that I have become wary of hope. I no longer see any use of hoping. It seems more logical to give up hope. I’ve become convinced that the things I desire (and I don’t mean material things here) are simply not going to happen. So what’s the point?

There’s also a possibility that I don’t really believe in the hopes I hope. That I actually don’t have any hope or never have had any hope. And maybe because of this, I’ve never really gotten any of my hopes fulfilled. It’s a scary thought, because that would mean that I have accepted defeat or that I actually hope for defeat. It’s twisted. It’s self sabotage.

And here is the dilemma. Despite my conviction of giving up on hope, somewhere deep inside my spirit I still have a flicker of hope burning. I cannot get myself to completely abandon it and embrace hopelessness. I think this is because living with utter hopelessness is not only difficult, it’s impossible and pushes one towards suicide. And yet I can see the futility of keeping such a flicker burning and so whenever I start to feel hopeful, I am tormented. My mind keeps reminding me of how stupid I am to think that my future will hold better things.

It’s not just because of depression. If it was, it would be a relief because then I would know that it’s not really true. Unfortunately, I’ve seen that some people just have bad destinies and no matter what they do, they keep getting hit in the face and falling flat over and over in life. Some lives are just like that, like punishments designed by Ancient Greek Gods for Sisyphus and Prometheus. What if my life was one of these lives?

Funnily enough, I saw the movie Tomorrowland today, and the whole point of that movie is that we can change our destinies by thinking positive and not giving up and hoping for a better future. There’s this dialogue where they say that upon seeing the impending doom of the earth, people, instead of doing something to change it have accepted it and resigned to their fate. And I couldn’t help but think of how I am doing the same thing.

I wish I could say after watching the movie I decided to feed the right wolf, to use the movie’s metaphor, and that I decided to be hopeful and take charge of my own destiny but I can’t. I know I want to choose hope but I am unable to. There’s a constant fight between these two going on inside my head. A flicker of hope that refuses to go out and a hopelessness that refuses to settle in. I am tired. I don’t have any answers.

 

 

 

 

When relapse stares you in the face

My depression has relapsed. It’s back. There…I needed to write it out for me to accept that I cannot control my symptoms, yet again. Tomorrow I visit my psychiatrist, and wait for my therapist to fix up an appointment. It might be a couple of weeks before I can see her.

Since the past two weeks, I have been trying to evade the fact that certain circumstances have triggered the relapse, that I no longer feel okay, that I cannot control the relay of negative thoughts running through my head, that that familiar feeling of unworthiness, of life having no meaning is haunting me incessantly. I see no future, only darkness, hope seems like a myth, and death seems like the only answer. I am too weak to fight it, all the lessons learnt in the past have gone down the drain, and depression has won.

I was trying to avoid going back to medications and therapy, but I can’t anymore. Too much is at stake, I cannot let the cycle repeat itself. Last time it took me only my entire teenage, college life, and two failed attempts at therapy to get my illness in control. Not to mention that I lost a career and the best years of my young life in the process.

At that time I was a lost soul, trying to make a sense of the world which appeared so strange. What I did not realize was that I was the one with the crooked glasses, that it was my own convoluted brain that was lying to me. It was my mother who picked up on my symptoms of complete apathy towards life, moodiness, lack of energy, anxiety and utter hopelessness and suggested that I have depression. I, on the other hand, never saw them as symptoms. My mom kept insisting that this is more than just a passing phase and I kept arguing that I will change, just give me some time.

I am surprised that even now, when I have the knowledge and the experience that what I am experiencing are symptoms of depression, I am unwilling to see them. I just don’t want to accept that I was weak and I let it come back. The guilt is rising inside of me. I hate to make my parents go through this all over again. Of course, as I write these lines, some sane part of my brain tells me that the guilt is also part of the symptoms.

In 2011, my mom forced me somehow to see a psychologist, but the moment drugs were suggested, I bolted. I did not want to go down that road, I was obstinate. Two more years passed, things got really bad, I started having suicidal thoughts, and I wasn’t getting anywhere. I finally accepted my situation, started seeking professional help. I continued for two years, taking medications, attending the sessions religiously. I got better. In April last year, I felt confident enough to get off medication and I did really well.

But here I am now, back on that same road, with a relapse staring me in the face. Depression is ready to punch me in the guts and knock me over. It has come with new symptoms along with the usual ones. I experienced enormous amounts of anger about trivial issues. I felt such rage that when I didn’t know how to handle it, I cut myself. I also tried to overdose, what stopped me midway was the thought of my parents having to deal with my dead body.

My mood got a little better for a few hours and I decided to write. It was the only outlet available to me. I am surprised at how I even managed to write a couple of posts that I did, because most of the time, I was just lying in bed, listless, tied in the cage of my negative mind, ready to throw in the towel.

I was being obstinate again about getting back into therapy, ┬áthe more my mother tried to talk to me, interrogate me, ask me to go to the therapist, the more I shut down, pushed her away and got worse. But somehow, she got through to me tonight and I agreed. This is my first big relapse after getting better and maybe that’s why it was so tough to acknowledge. Relapses are hard, hard to accept and harder to manage, because it means going through that same tedious process.

I begin mine again, tomorrow.