As my mood is see-sawing between feeling absolutely pathetic to feeling like I can turn my life around from one moment to the next, I am stuck in a zone between hope and hopelessness.
Hope. They say life is nothing without hope and it is only with hope that one can live. But you see, I have a problem with hope. Hope leads to disappointment and pain. I’ve had to face this disappointment in a lot of areas in my life, multiple times. It’s like one thing after the other. I hope and I hope and nothing. I cannot seem to catch a break. That’s the reason that I have become wary of hope. I no longer see any use of hoping. It seems more logical to give up hope. I’ve become convinced that the things I desire (and I don’t mean material things here) are simply not going to happen. So what’s the point?
There’s also a possibility that I don’t really believe in the hopes I hope. That I actually don’t have any hope or never have had any hope. And maybe because of this, I’ve never really gotten any of my hopes fulfilled. It’s a scary thought, because that would mean that I have accepted defeat or that I actually hope for defeat. It’s twisted. It’s self sabotage.
And here is the dilemma. Despite my conviction of giving up on hope, somewhere deep inside my spirit I still have a flicker of hope burning. I cannot get myself to completely abandon it and embrace hopelessness. I think this is because living with utter hopelessness is not only difficult, it’s impossible and pushes one towards suicide. And yet I can see the futility of keeping such a flicker burning and so whenever I start to feel hopeful, I am tormented. My mind keeps reminding me of how stupid I am to think that my future will hold better things.
It’s not just because of depression. If it was, it would be a relief because then I would know that it’s not really true. Unfortunately, I’ve seen that some people just have bad destinies and no matter what they do, they keep getting hit in the face and falling flat over and over in life. Some lives are just like that, like punishments designed by Ancient Greek Gods for Sisyphus and Prometheus. What if my life was one of these lives?
Funnily enough, I saw the movie Tomorrowland today, and the whole point of that movie is that we can change our destinies by thinking positive and not giving up and hoping for a better future. There’s this dialogue where they say that upon seeing the impending doom of the earth, people, instead of doing something to change it have accepted it and resigned to their fate. And I couldn’t help but think of how I am doing the same thing.
I wish I could say after watching the movie I decided to feed the right wolf, to use the movie’s metaphor, and that I decided to be hopeful and take charge of my own destiny but I can’t. I know I want to choose hope but I am unable to. There’s a constant fight between these two going on inside my head. A flicker of hope that refuses to go out and a hopelessness that refuses to settle in. I am tired. I don’t have any answers.